Eating bad Chinese food on the couch doesn’t make me near as nauseous as the thought that I’m holding onto something that won’t ever come to fruition.

I feel so helpless. I’m not in control of our future right now; you’re the one behind the steering wheel. I’m trusting you to get us to our destination safely.

I just finished my last shift as a full-time waitress. Tomorrow, I begin training for my career as a Foster Care Licensing Specialist. I’m so emotional right now.

The last four years have been a struggle for me, in terms of mental health and becoming a stronger, more capable version of myself. And it’s all built up to this moment—what if I fail? What if it’s not everything I’ve imagined it would be? And what if it is?

It’s really, really stressful to feel like I’m not completely moved in. My posters and cork-board keep falling down (damn Command strips aren’t working) and I can’t hang up my curtains because the curtain rods are too short. I need to spackle parts of the wall. I can’t put away my tools until everything is done.

I hate that this is giving me so much anxiety, but I want everything to be decorated and in it’s proper place. I’m on the verge of tears because of it, and I can’t stand it. It doesn’t feel like home.

I just want my hair to be long again. I can’t do anything with it at this length and it’s really frustrating.

I just want to live with you and wear your pajama pants while I read and binge-watch our favorite shows and ride motorcycles and play with our dogs and go camping and kiss all the damn time and go to Disneyland and be the happiest, cuddliest bastards. 

Took time for self-care today. Slept in and cuddled with Colton, and then treated myself to a wax, haircut, manicure and pedicure. I dyed my hair and dropped a literal shit-ton of money at Old Navy, buying clothes for my new job. (Which I start training for on Monday!) I’m hopefully ending my day with yoga, Netflix and doing some homework for this online course I’m taking.

We’ve spent the last five nights together, with no definitive solutions other than “I love you”. I’m comforted by your presence, but scared of how easily I could get crushed by this.